On the foreignness of easy
Today’s going to be my first in person date with L. I’m very nervous. I’ve never been this nervous for a date before.
I’m a bundle of nerves and I’m feeling all kinds of dread and excitement. My thoughts are running wild and I feel like a teenage girl going to prom for the first time. Do you know how many times I’ve tried on my outfit for the date? Do you know how early I decided which outfit to wear and how my hair should look like? Do you know how many times I’ve rehearsed how to say hello to her when I finally see her? The truth is embarrassing (as it usually is).
All these feelings are so foreign to me. I wonder now how I’ve never felt this anxious about all my other dates before. How I’ve never felt this thrilled. How I’ve never felt so eager for someone to like me just as much as I liked them. How I’m secretly about to burst cos there are phrases in my heart that are itching to come out already yet I know it’s too early to say anything of that sort. I wonder now if I ever knew what it felt like to really truly purely be in love. And am I really in love?
God. I hope I am. Cos this feels wonderful.
***
If there’s one lesson you taught me this year that I’ll remember forever, it’s that if one were to find their person, one must find someone who isn’t hard to love. And that loving another person should feel easy. I know we’ve ruined the word because of the many jokes it gives us but, all cokehead memories aside, I think it’s one of the wisest pieces of advice I’ve ever received in this lifetime.
My hope is that you and I find things easier this time around. And I hope that whatever “easy” comes our way, it’s the sort of “easy” that helps you and I become better people.
My hope is that easy will make us appreciate ourselves more and not make us feel embarrassed of the amount of affection we’re willing to give someone else. Easy won’t make us feel like we’re just giving way and giving in. Easy will encourage us to make space because easy needs a warm and cozy place for it to grow.
Easy will make us feel better about being our shamelessly sappy selves and it will make us feel safe whenever we want to let our deluge of emotions flow freely. Easy will cry with us. Easy will answer difficult questions with us. Easy will entertain what-if scenarios and give us intelligent and thoughtful answers. Easy will be there beside us when we’re feeling confused and lacking and they’ll hold our hands and say, “we’ll figure it out together.”
Easy will love us the way we deserve to be loved. And easy will be loved the way they deserve to be loved. Easy will make you and I feel secure. Easy won’t make us beg. Easy will never make us feel shame. And easy will always let you and I know that we are whole all on our own and that them being there is just the universe’s way of saying that there is always room for more happiness and magic in one’s life no matter how well we cover all our bases. All we need to do is accept that life can really be this easy.
